Friendship/ Part 2

Polka dotted Underwear...

If u have been following my blog as I have- I will soon have a billion followers, I had stated I came from a dysfunctional family. Many of you are saying So What? Who hasn't- OK- Agreed but it still hurts no matter how many people say thet came from a dysfunctional family. I always knew it but when I saw pictures of me from a woman who was in my fifth grade class posted the class photo on FB- Gee Thanks by a girl who later bullied me with another girl- we were all 3 best friends but we blew off another girl and I can still remember that vividly. She walked up to us in the schoolyard, she was cute and chipper as usual. We disussed the night before what our plan was. We stuck to it- She said hello, we kicked each other and ignored her. It
waselation, such a powerful feeling making someone feel bad! After that- feeling so superior and making someone feel soo small!! What could be better! Until it happens to you..
OK- I'll get back to that.. Now the class picure- looking back at it in my 40's I see how well dressed the other kids were.
Here I am- slumped over- hippied hair- totally needed a cut, chubby and buck teeth- slight overbite ad my Mom would say- I was resentful becasue my sister got her retainer/braces on much earlier than me so Bugs Bunny was my nickname and it stuck.. My shirt was tight and I was slumped over, eyes shut. I looked like White Trailer Trash. No offense to any White Trailer Trah readers.. I looked sad, ashamed and truly looked like I wished I was on another planet.. I know I wished I was..

Oh- now getting back to the polka dotted underwear story- In fifthe grade we had square dancing in the big gymnasium- I
really really wanted these cool dungaree bell jeans with leather fringe and silver buttons on the bttom- I might possibly had lost some weight at his point or the pants were just too big on me, bu they quickly fell down as soon as we started square dancing. Revealing my blue polka dotted underewar- My teacher turned his head, kids turned red and I pulled my pants up and left the gum. Everyone was laughing. I was mortified. I was only in fifthe grade- In 2012 the stories are so much worse- To think then that was a dynasty scandal.. Now it would be a mere FB post..
Want more... Read more.. TBC!!!

Friendship

I had lunch with an old friend today.. It was a brief but comfortable lunch. After going our seperate ways for many years
I find that now we live close to each other. We used to go out after doing open mike comedy together and drink,meet guys- only my objective was too have fun as my friends' was much more serious- to land a second husband. That was her goal- had I focused on my goal, I might have been writing this on The Huffington Post instead of this blog but well, at least I am writing. She met her goal, I was with her when shw finally met her Prince Charming while watching her dance with tons of frogs, while sayng dancing- I am being kind.
I was actually relieved when she finally met her now husband. Going to the bars getting drunk and having fun got tiring
and realizing I was being used as a back up did not really hit me until after our friendship had fallen apart. I had started to realize I pretty much just hung out with her, stopped doing comedy and I got very depressed. I felt very alone. I had done this before, getting close with some other friends in the comedy world and one close friend of mine ended up moving away
back to LA where she was originally fun. That was a totally different type of friendship because we just got each other and she was there for me and I was there for her just because we liked hanging out together and it was fun doing gigs.
When she moved away, I found it a lot less fun. I guess because I grew up with two older sisters in a very dysfunctional family, close friends would replace the family I never really had so I bonded closely with people- even some that were not the best influences in my life. I still have friends from HS but do not see them as often as I would like and then when I do, I get really anxious and twice have actually thrown up, not as a result of hanging out with them but the lack of not seeing them a lot and feeling anxiety leads me to over drink and feel uncomfortable. I enjoy children and I do not have any as thinking well I have a niece and nephew that is good enough for me not realizing until years later when I could see how happy my friends were talking about heir children and seeing their children that I possibly should not have been so agreeable with my now husband about not having kids- we had discussed that beforehand but realized after we had gotten married, yes I did want a family. I was married at 41 and figured it was just to late now to do anything. My husband was a freelancer and I was in sales and on unemployment a lot. So I made peace with it and have two cats and life goes on. My own niece and nephew are18 and 22 and my husbands' neice has a two year old boy and she is going to have a baby girl in June so at least there will be new life around.

New life is just the beginning and every day is also a new life..

Taking the Blogs Offline

Dear Friends and Followers.

I have decided to take this blog offline because I feel I can be freer than having it open to the public. I learned I haven't
been as open and honest as I'd like to be because it is online.

I've nothing to hide but let's face it- most people read blogs from having a following- I do not have a following- yet but hope to one day in near future.

I need to focus more on myself and my needs and not worry what everyone else is doing or who I've pissed off - Bottom Line- Who Cares? You can't live to please anyone but yourself- it just won't happen and there is no reason why you should.
FB is starting to get me sick- It's mostly used for self- promotion and things that seem like they should be private are made public- I got sucked into it that also but now I want to get away from it.

Remebering peoples birthdays I barely communicate with- ridiculous. I'd rather gain knowledge and feel like FB steals my knowledge while it gives me very little in return- Although some on my friends list have some interesting things to say but lately even pressing the like button is getting tiresome
Having said that. I have not been blogging much- I realize they are like a dime a dozen so time to venture on my own.

I'll pop in and out once in a while- Nina

ANNOYING PEOPLE

I like writing funny stuff on FB but really hate when people friend you and are always like up your butt- It's so annoying- I hate to be mean but if this continues some people must be defriened - soon!!!

Fell bad sick of snow cooped up cant wait og o into city 2weeks fear is getting to me- sick of this job need things to get bette rine very day- blah blah blH SUCH BULLSHiT- THank god for cats

OMG- Jury duty sucks help like going to airport- waiting room no destinayion snrers- gross people and smelly
waiting waiting hard to stay awake- quarters the meter quarters the meter- work no pay- have to tell lawyer finacial life story- do not make me serve- lousy jury- i have gas all day- ill say that- gas all day 24/ 7
cold today- everyone was froxen on street- saw people walkingin courthouse- same people frozen poutside- like hi,am popsicles- CRAZEE

Winter Sucks

OK- so I am not writing everday but at least it's closer. I know when I hit Level 46 that's it-
I won't be on FV and can focus on other stuff. Working at home with your husband is really hard- Thank God I have the upstairs- it's like my little apartment- only thing I do not have up here is a LITTLE REFRIG AND BATHROOM- accid cap locks. Tomorrow is my day off and I have to see The Fighter- a Must on my list- my pjs are torn and I need pants- Marshalls might be OK for pjs but not sure about pants- It's always like the 3rd world in there- The Illegals
go crazy inhere and the place really looks like a hovel- not nice and purty like Greenwich.
I'll go to TJ Max when I visit my mom next week and they should have some decent merchandise. I have to work out now and get the #$%^ out of this house. TBC- Niner

The Holidays

Wow! It has been sooo long since I've posted anything on here. I guess my attitude was no one is really reading it so why bother but I need to do it for myself.
After the moving setback and all the stress it created- I've been trying to make a conscious decision to not say anything to anybody until it's a done deal. I feel like the whole situation made me look flaky and I am not flaky. When I make plans, I stick with it and usually do what I say. Also, I had to get my old job back working part time at the school which is better than nothing but not the best. I know I am talented but constantly give my power away and it upsets and frustrates me. Especially hearing how great people are doing. I was so tired with living in NY -
well, not so true but things weren't happening for me like 4 others and I admit- I was not aggressive enuf- I did not focus on my careeer enough and I am not at the point in my life that I want to be career wise. At least I am now It some casting places-
I have to keep that going. I wish we could live in NY- I am always so happy there but if we move it better be to a big city or I just can't handle it. My goal this year is to get more money and enjoy doing things I like to get more creative ideas. Fancy res'ts can wait- I'm just as happy hanging with my friends ans eating bar food. OK I have not done that in a while but it's about who u are with- not where u are. And you have to be happy with yourself before u can be happy with others.
Lots of setbacks but I will continue on my journey. I am not going to quit or hide in the corner- My time is coming!!!!

OK- here I go- I haven't written on here in a while because a lot it going on but I'm still sitting in the same place. Things seem to take a lot longer than u think and
it would be great if we could just know what the right thing would be or say but we don't and we do the best we can. Somerimes we win and people like us and sometimes
for no reason at all- we get the cold shoulder but remember it isn'i us- it is them.
Everyone has something they are dealing with but noone ever really knows. That's what being human is.
My husband is back until Sunday and then I won't see him for awhile again but next time he has 3 days extra leave time- no he does not work for the army but the company is run like an army- Feel like an Atmy Wife- We are close to selling our place and I pray everything goes smoothly and these people get their mortgage. So now realisitically- I'll prob be here until Nov or even middle of Nov- I'm OK with that- tons to do and they wanted a closing date of Oct 20- ironically I never would have had the guts to leave my part- time job I've had at a college for over 3 yrs if this opportunity did not come up. Now I can try to do extra work- not thats so much better but I really need to be around people. My sisters' coming in next week from LA and my mom has to get another biopsy Tues- she had a lumpectomy 2 yrs ago- they think it is just scar tissue and I pray it is because isn't it weird for cancer to come back in same exact place- I do not know but I pray she will be OK- Dads' Alzheimers is getting worse everyday - so much worse than last year and it makes me so sad to think one day he won't even recognize me. I am sad now It was World Alzheimers WeeKlast week and Celebrity Millionaire donate all their money to Alzheimers. Wish they could find a cure.
Tired now- will try to write more consistently more now that I have a clearer head.
Be grateful for your health

Make Yourself a Priority First

I'm lonely now. My husband accepted a job down South and now life goes on here and I am really realizing how dreary it is up here. At least when he was here, there was someone to talk to and ignore- now noone. My closest friends in building are leaving Fri for vacation Fri for 10 days and i am still working for the school. In between that, still have people looking at apt ay moments notice and have an OH coming up this weekend. If I still lived in city, I wouldn't feel so isolated. Now- How is it going to be down South? I'll have to try to meet some people like me- crazy as it sounds. Some Southern folk that like to do comedy, theater or whatever. This is a lot my fault. I just let my passions slide and now the highlight of my night is cooking chicken for my cat. Well, his birthday is tomorrow! Not so pathetic. At least I have my postcards to pick up Fri and will make an appt to visit that theatrical agency. Typical I do things when I will be out the door- I just pray his job gets better and he eases into it without burning himself out or else no move ans back to the old drawing board- Always seem to be going back to the old drawing board- like GroundHogs Day- the movie. God Help Us All!!! No LOL

Changes

Change is very scary, It seem sso easy when u are younger. I used to moce a lot in my 30's and that was considered iunstable- so then when i pretty much become stabulized ina few different living situations, all of a sudden, another move Becomes like cement being poured all over my body. It was easier movinmg around NY- Even moving up to Westchester was traumatic but Atlanta, alabama- Well, my husband will be working in Alabama and we will live near Atlanta. My friend said to me- Well, you lived in Arizona didn't you? That was college- ample opportunity oo meet people when you are young and in school. Mot so easy when you are older and have no kids. The only things I should focus on is working. meeting peopele there and comedy places and casting agencies. I know they have them down there. What else am I supposed to do? I need a change though. This is stifling up here and it hopefully has to be better. I just hope everything goes smoothly and must have faith and trust. The cats - I worry about them driving down but would much rather that than in the plane. All details must be worked out carefully. Crossing fingers.

It is July 23- Can't believe summers' flying. This is the first summer I really don't care about color- Also- going to dermatologist to check out my skin in early August so don't want to overdo it. Also, it's been so HUMID out- it's almost toxic walking outside. Nothing else going on- still trying to sell the place, pictures at least came out well, oh- yes- the Japanese guy who has been cutting my hair for yrs really flipped yesterday- cut some layers way shorter on one side and when I said something that it looks shorter- he says- I've been cutting your hair for years- You still don't trust me- I'm thinking- Welll, we were enemies in WW 2!!! So like on purpose- he tortures me becasue all I got was a haircut and think he was pissed
because I usually get a treatment also. I mean it's not like bangs or anything but like the economy is hitting everyone- HELLO- don't take it out on me. You know- nice has it's limits- you know. I like that.!!! Anyone- must go now so tired- have to work the phones tomorrow for a bit. Nie

Pray

I have lots of stuff going on and I am tired but must continue the fight- Some things come asier to others and some people can take more suffering or whatever. I really pray the economy gets better and we can sell this place and still enjoy the summer. Nothing's easy and those that have it easy find other things to complain about.

Thanks for listening- Good Night!

Limbo

I feel limboish lately. We may be moving to Alabama and I really am OK with that- close to Atlanta but the cats going on a plane!!!. Elvis bad tartar and gums!- will the vet give them health certificates? If my husband gets the offer and everything works out- he goes first until the move is worked out- I'm not keen on being here alone for most of the week but maybe I can focus on myself again- that part will be good. Elvis will miss Frank so much. I just pray whatever way it goes, the cat ordeal goes smoothly- If the cats don't go- I can't leave them!

Maybe it will work out another way and he'll get something closer. We can't even sell the place- Bad Market, Economy- Oil spill continues to get worse- need a change- a good one!!!

Tired- TBC- Nins

Moods

I'm not in a good moood and I didn't want to pretend to be or have to act happy. I am almost xxx yrs old and no more acting- Unless, of course- I'm getting paid for it. I'm sick of BS from people and family memebers but u know what- I am strong and no matter what- I'll be OK- I've never had an easy time of it but also admit the last several yes have been tough. moving up here, going from job to job- both my husband and I not having steady income- well, it's a bit scary and now the future? Who knows what will happen- Can it get worse? Yup!! Let's pray it gets better and think of all these homeless people and the oil spill that has affected so many lives and the environment and the wildlife- So sad- and the poor soldiers who have died for this stupid war and this gov't pathetically run and you know- it keeps everything in perspective.

When Pets go to Heaven

I just found out recently a very good friend of mine cats' passed away. She was 19- nice,long life and a beautiful cat. Even though the cat lived a long life, it doesn't make the loss any less sad. It affects everyone who knew the cat and her whole family- she has a son and I know how sad it is to lose a pet especially as a child.

I remember we grew up having a family dog- he lived to be almost 14 and was loved by us so much but he was more the family dog. I remember yrs later, at 33 I finally got my first pet. A beautiful orange tabby named Bowie. He was not nice to others but was always sweet and loving to me. I got him a kitten about 2 yrs later, Amanda- She loved him so much too and vice-versa- Well, she looked like him also and they got along splendidly but then she got fixed and never woke up from the anesthesia. I remember telling the vet she seemed like she had a cold- she was sickly when i adopted her- rubnt of the litter they said- and I had to feed her with a little syringe, felt so badly she died. My cat Bowie slept with me that night- He knew I was so sad. I sometimes would come home after drinking and play fist fight with him- He hated alcohol and did not like this behavior. Another cat was adopted, Roxie- a beautiful calico- she adored Bowie- it was never quite the same relationship he had with Amanda but he was always very nice to her and they quickly became buddies. Bowie was 7 and got very sick while I was living in NYC, He would not eat and was yellow. I took him to Animal- Medical Center and they fixed him up. They thought he had a mass in his body but I did not want to open him up. He got better as everday I went home from my job at lunchtime and fed him with a syringe. Pretty soon he was eating on his own but the syringe caused a scab in his cheek and he had to wear a halo hat- it scabbed up, came off and finally cleared up and fresh fur grew there.
When I got married, the cats moved up here. Bowie was not happy about the nmove but he adjusted nicely and was with us for a few yrs in Westchester when he succumbed to lung cancer. It was the worst as he died in the apartment and I cancelled putting him to sleep that morning as he was eating- that day I kissed him and tasted death. That night he was having such a hard time- my husband and I were like- It's OK Bowie- you can go- He died in a far corner of the apartment- I picked him up and he was already gone- I did not know it until his tail would not go into the cat carrier. He probably had a heart attack while I picked him up on the way to the carrier. Poor thing- At least he got to die at home. I am crying now so have to stop. My husband took him to the vet the next morning and I have his ashes and pictures surrounding him- My other cat was so upset she just ate and sat on a box upstairs for a week straight- so sad. 2 weeks later my husand found an adorable grey tabby at Petsmart- Elvis- we really did it for Roxie- He was not fixed and was quite a handful until he was but now, I realize it was therapeutic for me as well. I will never forget Bowie- I felt like he was my sole responsibility and we took care of each other and I will always miss him. Pets are the greatest gift and should be treated as such. You never know what the next day may bring. TBC- Nina

Frenemies

I wasn't sure if I spelled it right or wrong but the point is we all know them, don't we. The kind of people who want to hang out with you and love you and want you to do well but well, not too well and definitely not better than them! All of a sudden- you do 1 thing they don't like and bam- they totally bitch out. Then we make nice we them until the next time- It's like a habit witht hese people- they are very controlling and when they can't control the natural order in their own lives- Boom- they lash out at you. Well, you know what- when you get to a certain age- it isn't worth the energy to get upset- maybe they had a bad day, a bad childhood or
a bad mood- that doesn't mean we have to catfight back. The best thing to do is act as nice as possible until the frenemy goes their own way again. I have had too many bad experiences with them and I tell you, now I can count a handful of sincere, close friends. A real friend doesn't write nasty things about you and try to piss you off even if all you've ever done is be nice to them even when they don't deserve it.
Anyway, red flags are always up with 1 or 2 frenemies I know so it's never totally shocking when the ball drops.

I know people read my blog and will never admit it- hence- a compliment which they cannot give so I will refrain from naming them but they seem to always live up to their name- Frenemy.

A lot of times I recognize I would be friends with people like my family- never complimentary- making digs, ignoring me but feel that since I've grown and done many intersting things as an adult- these people are around less and less and I've really grown from the experience. I alwyas feel a level of uncomfortableness in my stomach as I never know when a nasty dig will shoot out of their mouth.
You hate them but because you share a certain history- you love them too- but now, better to love them from afar.

Do women have more frenemies than men? I would guess yes- Women are just by nature- cattier- you never hear men sitting in a coffee shop or drinking beers gossiping about their golf buddy that he has put on weight or his plugs looks really bad. Just does not happen- Gay men on the other hand- they are the best to gossip with and usually make the best friends also!!!

TBC- Nina-

Gosh, can't believe I haven't posted anything since May 11th. I need to focus on myself again. Can't imagine people with families- probably really hard to get own personal time in- which is important- one I can see- two- no time- just like your body becomes emeshed in others. Reunion was fun and for a week a whirlwind of photos popping up. It was fun, like going back to a much easier time- of course it was-it was HS- still, so much anxiety in my house- never felt quite relaxed until I was hanging out with my friends on my own drugged up to numb the pain.
Still waiting to sell house, one guy came back with his parents - said his realtors would contact ours- Well, that was Sun- Today is Thurs and no news. Seems like an oddball- alwyas came late- claiming his realtor told him the times were 2-4. He is not coming back in again- Oddly enuf, my MPV player is now missing. No accusations- just sayin'- maybe I left it at friends place. Lets see- Fri going into city to see Sucks in the City- apparantly bad reviews but with my friend so who cares and we'll go out after. Sat- b-b- que in NJ at our friends and Sun and Mon hopefully beach and park,
Franks still interviewing and has to go to Alabama in 2 weeks for an interview- I know- ugh- they are flying him out here and paying for everything so he might as well go. I PRAY the Cornell job comes thru- I know he really wants that one and it would be an easy transisition. I am looking forward to getting my hair treatment- about time- have to because getting head shots June 18th and hair has to look great in pix- also pray my gyno results come back neg on everything. Please God!!!

Anyway- That's it- I will try to write more regularly- there has to be a book in here somewhere, right???

xo- Nie

Feel kind of guilty- haven't blogged in a while- Have reunion coming up- hope all goes smoothly and really hope nobody brings up embarrassing moments from past- they will deal with it- just want to have fun/

Hope Roxy will be OK without me home- Frank and Elvis tend to bond and she is left alone- hopefully she will hang out with them.

I look forward to going to Scoobees for breakfast more than anything else- bacon, bacon, whose got the bacon!!!

TBC- Nina- AH, guilt time over- back to being non- productive!!